My Utah Fears

I will write more details of our big change, but first I want to write about some of my thoughts and fears. I woke-up thinking about this today, so I thought I might jot down some thoughts, while they are still fresh.

I came across these quotes the other day, while doing some light reading . . . they sure did not help with my concerns!

President Heber C. Kimball said: After a while the gentiles will gather by the thousands to this place, and Salt Lake City will be classed among the wicked cities of the world. A spirit of speculation and extravagance will take possession of the Saints, and the results will be financial bondage.

Persecution comes next and all true Latter- Day Saints will be tested to the limit. Many will apostatize and others will be still not knowing what to do . . . .

Before that day comes, however, the Saints will be put to the tests that will try the integrity of the best of them. The pressure will become so great that the more righteous among them will cry unto the Lord day and night until deliverance comes.

Brigham Young said: If the Latter-day Saints do not desist from running after the things of this world, and begin to reform and do the work the Father has given them to do, they will be found wanting, and they, too, will be swept away and counted as unprofitable servants.

Wow. I know. I follow the Salt Lake news pretty closely and this does not seem too far off from what is currently going on: extravagance, financial bondage, church members being tested to their limit, some not knowing what to do. (It is extreme in Utah for LDS members, because of the concentration of members all in one place.) Hence, I have some anxieties about purposefully stepping right into the battle-zone. (Not that anywhere in the world is exempt from these trials, certainly not -- it is just that Salt Lake City was meant to be something different for the Latter-day Saints, something better.)

Look, I know day-to-day living may not be so intense in Utah, you probably wouldn't even notice things mentioned in above quotes. I know I find myself very comfortable when I am there -- visiting different places and people. But when you step back and look, there IS something larger going on and it is hard to ignore it. Well, it is hard for me to ignore, at least. I am a big-picture type of person.

It would seem that those who love the Church there, love it mightily. And those who don't love the Church, openly fight against it with great anger, force, and with fueled passion. It is a tragedy, really. It is to be expected, but it is still a real shame. Can't we all just get along? I am concerned about the clash of the people, not for me so much . . . but my children. I will have to increase our defenses.

Can you tell I am nervous about this move? I am excited about a great many things . . . but there are some underlying fears that I just wanted to throw-out on the table and work through.

People. I love people. I can love Utah-people, right? ;-) It is not the people I am most worried about, it is not even really the place . . . what I fear is: Prosperity.

For the last 12 years, or so, we have learned a lot about both sides of the money-spectrum. I still have our bank statement from years ago that shows $3.00 -- total. We still drive our 1991 and 1995 vehicles -- praying they will continue to work. We have been living in a 2 bedroom home for the last 4 years, nice and squished together. We have cried when there seemed to be not enough food, and we have received most things in hand-me-down style. What I am saying is that poverty (American poverty) is something I have experienced, something I have learned to handle, something familiar. I am not afraid of it. I know it well.

It is not poverty that I am afraid of . . . it is prosperity that I fear the most -- even just the image of it. Extravagance . . . I do not like. Don't get me wrong, I like nice things . . . but it is excess in extreme that makes me nervous. Not just for others, but for myself. I am as vulnerable as the next person.

When we move to Utah, we will not be living in a 2 bedroom squishy home -- we will have a very spacious home. We will still drive our cars, until they die, but we will need something more reliable for the Salt Lake freeways. We will likely not starve -- especially since my parents will be living with us. There is a good chance that we might live a "comfortable life". A life with more than one bathroom. :-) Honestly, this scares me a little. I know you probably think I am crazy, but 12 years of survival-mode does that to a person.

I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose all the precious things we have learned. I don't want to forget what we have gone through, what we have known. And the miracles we have seen and felt. Of course, I don't want to starve, either! I know living surrounded by prosperity does not have to take away humility, but I am guessing, just guessing -- it makes it harder. I could be wrong.

So, I find myself grateful for some crazy things. I am grateful that we made the choice to live in our small home. I am grateful my daughter has been sleeping in a walk-in closet for the last couple of years. I am grateful we have all shared one bathroom -- even when we are all spitting toothpaste in the sink at the same time. I am grateful for running out of hot-water on Sunday mornings. I am grateful that our cars are old, and rusty, and paid for. I am grateful for all the experiences we have had that have lead up to this point. I am also grateful for the thing I thought I would never be grateful for . . . our student loans. This precious debt has kept (and will keep) us "humble" (financially, at least). The loans will be there as a reminder to be careful, prudent, and frugal. To be wise with our decisions, not hasty. It is our only debt, outside of a mortgage. Thank you student loans, you are such a big help. How can I ever repay you for your kindness? Maybe in 30 years. :-)

I know I am all over the place with my thoughts, it is morning. But my point is, I am concerned about being surrounded by great prosperity (sorry, Utah -- it is a real thing there). For as we all know . . . prosperity leads to pride, then follows utter destruction. Yikes. You see, the reality is, I am terrified of pride, because I am really susceptible to it. I can even create in myself what I call "poor-man's pride" (being proud, of being poor). This (pride) may not even be an issue for most people, but for me -- I have to be really careful. Pride is like a shadow that follows me, lurking, waiting. Now I am walking into a real danger-zone! (For me, not everyone!) Must. Be. Careful.

Anyway, it is just bigger there in Utah than it is here in Idaho (in every way). I hope that we can survive the pull towards keeping-up with whatever is going on around us -- I mean the weird stuff, not the good stuff. I want to be involved in the good stuff. I am going to drench myself in the good stuff. It will be necessary.

Let me just add . . . I know that some of you are Utahans, through-and-through. And that is fantastic. Most of my favorite people come from Utah! (Including my parents!) I am not trying to insult those who come from Utah, or who love it. I am hoping to become one who loves Utah! I am just afraid of the newness of it, and the unfamiliar culture there, and that is to be expected. And as an outsider . . . well, Utah comes with a lot of baggage. It just does. I am just trying to work through it. Wish me luck.

So, I may live in Utah . . . but I will always have growing-up Alaskan in my back-pocket, and the loving Idaho people in my heart. And, after all, it is not the place that you live -- but the purity of the heart, that is "Zion". So maybe, just maybe . . . Zion can be in Utah, too. :-)

But that, of course, is up to me! No pressure.