Regret

Warning:

The following post is extremely vain . . .

I have two regrets since this picture was taken . . .

(Sorry it is in black and white, it was all I had!)

1. Losing (trimming) my hair

2. Gaining (not trimming) my waistline

Remedy for my regret . . .

1. Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow!

2. Let it go, let it go, let it go!

That is right. I want my hair long . . . now that it is short. Is that not always the case? Never happy with what we have? So, I will brush it, sing to it, water it, and give it sunlight . . . so it will be long and luscious again. There is just something about long hair . . . at least for me. Sorry, Dad. I should have listened to you . . . you were right, of course.

Also, this picture was taken, pre-William. I was sometimes running twice a day, and pushing the two kids in the double-stroller, up and down the Spokane hills . . . it was a good, healthy time. Since moving (a few years ago), I had been running once a day, with only one child, and no hills -- with not so much "progress". Now, my remedy for my "waistline" (more like my junk-in-trunk) is 2 hours in the gym 6 days a week. It has been a month and I am seeing some progress. But most importantly -- feeling some progress. And it feels good! I am not interested in reclaiming some "former glory." (Not that the picture is "glorious", but it is former. :-)) Rather, I want to find a whole new glory! A marvelous, wonderful, amazing, glorious, me! (Aren't you just so excited?!)

I just happened to come across this picture, and it made me reflect. Ahhhh . . . regret. The only thing you can do is quickly look back, and move fiercely forward! :-) One day, I will arrive at the "best me" (You know, that fabulous image that dwells only in the mind) -- too bad I won't realize what the best me is, until I look back at old pictures! We never know what we have, until it is gone! :-) Oh well, onto a new glory . . . the glory of age 30! (Coming to me next Tuesday!)

Smallness

I miss the smallness that my children once possessed . . .

I miss . . .

The days of princesses and blocks . . .

Now they are being pushed aside for Harry Potter books/movies and Star Wars products.

My house was once constantly filled with the sounds of Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake . . .

Now, it is the Harry Potter theme: Hermoine, Malfoy, and Harry -- they are household names.

My children are just growing too fast! I miss the little puffy chipmunk-cheeks . . .

And the scrumptious-chubby baby legs.

I miss the silly talking, and mispronounced words. I miss the soft gentle loves and hugs . . .

Now they can sometimes be quick and forceful!

Oh, how I love the smallness of the young years.

Don't get me wrong, I stand amazed at how lovely my children are becoming, and what nice young people they are . . . but I will always remember the sweet days of their first years of life.

They were precious years . . . I am so glad I did not miss a moment!

(I am also so glad the last four years are documented on my blog!)

No Empty Chairs

During FHE last Monday night, we learned quite the lesson! The topic for FHE was, Our Heavenly Family. (We chose to use the new Gospel Principles manual lesson each week for our FHE -- so all of our lessons are "planned" all year long!) Things were going along nice and smoothly, and then our learning moment commenced. . .

I need to back-up to a little earlier in the day . . . That morning, one of Sammi's new Christmas chap-sticks had gone missing. We found out a little later in the day that Daniel had been playing with it, and he had mushed the lid onto the top of her most favorite strawberry-flavored lip-smacker (you know how it gets all gooey and ruined when you do that). Sammi was pretty upset about her ruined tube of lip-joy, and it became quite the "issue" (crying, accusations, denials, etc.) It took some talking-through, but I thought it was settled with apologies, and forgiveness.

As we went into our Family Home Evening lesson, the topic (smashed, oozy, chap-stick) was still fresh on everyone's mind. Despite the previous pre-teen drama, and the abounding strawberry scent throughout the house (the chap-stick was quite potent), the lesson began quite well -- with little event. Charles taught, and we all listened, happily. We were almost finished with the lesson, and we were all enjoying the message with smiles and bright eyes. And then, Charles began the speech that would send one of us to tears . . .

Charles began to describe how our choices will determine if we will be able to all be together forever, as a family. We were all for it, everyone nodded in agreement. And then Charles (who did not consider his words would inflict pain) used the phrase, "And some of us will not make it . . . some of us will not make the right choices." I added to his comments, and explained how we do not want any "empty chairs" in Heaven -- I want everyone of us to be there, together.

Now, it took me a moment, but then I looked at Daniel's eyes, and I could see something was not right -- something was cutting him deep, to his child-core. Then I realized what it was . . . but first, his eyes turned very serious, very concerned, very wet, and the sobbing began. Charles and I had not intended to make Daniel feel such an intense feeling of remorse. (Charles was unaware of the drama that had just occurred, over the loss of the sacred lip-gloss.) So, I realized, when Charles said that "some of us will not make it," Daniel had interpreted the "us" as in some of us, in our family -- he thought Charles meant him! Because, previously that day, he had made a "wrong" choice. Daniel, in that moment, felt the pain of a damned soul! I could see it in his eyes!

I quickly realized the "slip of the tongue" and how important words (even small ones!) are to children. Charles was just using the universal "us" (referring to all of God's children) but it was interpreted painfully, as the exclusive "us" of our family. It made a world of difference (literally) to Daniel! I cannot adequately express the fear behind his eyes . . . it was a sight to see. They were dark, and full of pain . . . a fearful pain.

So, thankfully, I caught the mistake and I took Daniel in my arms, as he sobbed, and I explained what Daddy had meant -- along with explaining the principle of repentance. I repeated, over and over, that he was a good boy, a wonderful boy, and that Heavenly Father loves him, and that he will make the right choices, and he WILL be with us, and our family, forever . . . even though he mushed Sammi's chap-stick. :-)

To the Gym . . .

So . . . I did it. I joined the gym. After years and years of purely running (and seeing little results), I decided it was time to "shake it up" and do something very different. So, to the gym I go!!

I REALLY enjoy it. One thing I LOVE to do (despite the pain) is lifting weights. I have not done it in 10 years! I think it will be key in achieving my goals, as well. My body has kind of "adjusted" to running. I would run and run, and my body started laughing at me. It was just not good enough -- not for me. Running is still a part of my routine (I do love running) but not the "core" of it. My routine for now is: 30 minutes on the eliptical, 1 hour of weight lifting, and 30 more minutes of treadmill running. It feels so great, so far. After one week, I can already feel a difference (something I have not felt in 3 years). I love being able to feel the effort I put in (like sore muscles). Plus, I can go anytime, regardless of the weather. I just decided it was time. Time for changes -- real change. Running was not cutting it for me anymore, and it became time for more.

The gym is great because of the people. I see so many different people -- it is awesome! It is fun to be able to get out for part of the day and to be a part of the "land of the living". People from all different walks of life (and ALL different shapes and sizes) come to the gym. It is good to be with them . . . often my interactions with people are limited to church members. It is interesting to see what is really going on in the "world" first-hand. What I love most is watching people working hard, trying to improve themselves, by strengthening their bodies -- it is inspiring!

Today as I was coming towards the close of my workout (running on the treadmill) I was beginning to lose some steam. As I was beginning to weaken (mostly mentally) I looked downstairs to see a lady with crooked knees, two walking sticks, and walking completely hunched over -- climbing up the stairs. I saw this same lady, walking in circles, in the front area yesterday morning. Dressed in her blue and orange (go Broncos!) she was making her way upstairs for her workout. When I saw her come up the stairs, I almost started crying (no one would have noticed since sweat was pouring down my face). It was overwhelming to me . . . watching her determination, despite her very serious physical limitations. So, with new courage, I turned to the dashboard of the treadmill and began pressing the up-level button. I finished my run with a new passion and fervor, heaving my body forward, throwing sweat droplets all over -- struggling not to bawl like a baby. This crinkled, broken, lady had given me POWER. She had given me COURAGE. She had given me HOPE. One of God's angels . . . just for me.

It is so great. I love the gym. I love improving myself, I love finding new strength, and reaching new goals. I am so grateful to have a body that is "whole". Sometimes I can be so hard on myself . . . seeing every little flaw and panicking over them. Despite my extra baggage, my "junk in the trunk", my stretch marks, and other "imperfections" . . . I am WHOLE. Not everyone is. I will NOT take it for granted! I love me. I LOVE MY BODY . . . which is why I am going to the gym! I am giving it my greatest effort to treat kindly the gift that God has given me . . . ME! Maybe, just maybe, through my sweat and determination -- I can inspire someone else to be "powerful" too!

Family Theme 2010

This year I decided that our family needs a "theme". . . Something to focus on throughout the year, and something to inspire. Our theme is: Hope. The past couple of years, I must admit, have not been very "hopeful". We have been happy and things are "fine" but hope was not something I thought much about . . . I would tend to dwell on my fears and worries for the future.

As I was studying the scriptures I read: “Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.” (Moro. 7:41–42.) It made me think . . . Do I have faith? Well, do I? And if I have faith, then I MUST have hope. I MUST HAVE HOPE! It is actually one of the requirements to return to live with God -- along with faith and charity. "Hope" can seem a far-fetched concept -- or it can be very, very, real and forefront in your life. Hope to me involves positive thinking, having a positive outlook on the future, and having joy in today. Hope is also directly connected with Faith. You cannot have one without the other. So if you consider yourself a person of faith, then you must be a person of hope!

Hope goes beyond just physical circumstances, and becomes a very spiritual thing. Hope can change everything. I love the quote: "People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."(Abraham Lincoln). It is hope that fuels happiness. Happiness is a frame of mind, and not a physical circumstance. I want to be happy, so I am making a great effort to have hope! You know, I did not really know it was missing? I was just going about my life, always worried, always concerned . . . who knew I was missing such an important element of my faith? I am so grateful we can change, and always improve!

The scriptures say that there must be “an opposition in all things.” So it is with faith, hope, and charity. Doubt, despair, and failure to care for our fellowmen lead us into temptation, which can cause us to forfeit choice and precious blessings.

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear.

-Elder Uchtdorf

2010: The year of HOPE!