Ready, Set, NO!

So, if you happened to read over my last few blogs, you will know that I am planning on running a marathon, I am trying to "be positive" rather than always so realistic, and I am preparing for the Youth Pioneer Trek this summer. Well, I have had to make a few adjustments to some of my plans . . . here comes "Mrs. Realistic" again.

A few weeks ago, I ran in the freezing hail during my long run for the week (10 miles). I knew at the time that I was probably pushing it too hard in that kind of weather. I was not wearing a jacket -- just a long sleeve shirt and fleece vest. (It was not hailing when I started!) But I was determined to finish, so I fought through the hail and ignored my shivering body, and I completed my run. When I was finished I did not feel very good. I felt ill. I felt ill for a week. I felt like my bones had frozen through and I could not ever get warm. My throat hurt. My head hurt. My body hurt. I have been rather sluggish ever since. Bones I did not know that I had, ached -- my bones NEVER ached that way before. I felt OLD!

Anyhow, this last week I woke-up having some kind of anxiety-breathing and I felt a great sense of worry. The only way I can describe how I felt is . . . "pressure" that was squishing me. Not physically so much, but emotionally. I just felt like I had taken on too much, right now. (My eyes are really big so I tend to see "big goals" and think I can chew as much as I can bite, or do as much as I can see! )

So, I started examining what it was that was causing this anxiety, and wondered if I could eliminate something. There is a lot coming up in the near future and the only thing I came up with that I can eliminate right now is . . . the Marathon (and all it's vigorous training).

After my long run (and the discouraging feelings I had afterwards) I felt it was an indicator of the fact that I AM NOT REALLY READY to run a marathon. Sure, I could do it, and finish, too. Yes, I am strong, and blah, blah, blah. But it would be more of a torturous event rather than a joy -- and that is not what I want.

I was originally planning on just running a half marathon (13.5) but my sister encouraged me to do the full. I just came into the game too late. 3 months to get ready for a marathon is ridiculous, especially since I had not been running much during the winter. I am just NOT realistically ready right now. I don't want to die. I don't want to be useless for a month afterwards either! The fact that it causes me anxiety should be a pretty good indicator that it is not time.

As a family we are trying to find our "rhythm" or some sort of steady-pace to life. (If that is even possible!) We are still in our first year of starting Charles' new business. Though things are going really well, it can cause anxiety in itself . . . so much to think about/keep track of/worry about. Owning your own business is not for weenies.

For now he works late and has had to work for half of Saturday, too. I have even started helping him at home with some paperwork. Most evenings, and often Saturdays (and Sunday, of course) are filled with a church-related activities (Young Men, Scouting, Trek, meetings, etc.). I am not complaining, mind you -- I actually have enjoyed having a calendar full of service opportunities.

But, if I run, I run with the stroller -- which can just be too much sometimes. Long runs (up to 20 miles) on Saturday just do not seem "realistic" right now. I value my family time (especially time with Charles!) too much. As many of my friends know, I often bail on social/extra things for family time. I always have, I always will.

Now, I know many people who run marathons are way more over-booked than I am. I am not even declaring that I am "busy". Everyone is always "busy". I am NOT busy. I am really not. But even though my calendar may not be over-crowded with things to do -- I DO feel emotionally busy. I have A LOT on my mind -- all the time. Which is fine, but when you over-book your brain, it may just burst! I am just saying I know my capacity and if I am not careful I can blow it and really regret it. That "one more thing" to worry about for me (the marathon) was enough to send my brain into panic-mode. Too much to think about . . . brain beginning to burst/blur. Foggy thoughts. Anxiety setting in.

So, for now . . . I am not ready to run 26.2 miles. I am back to being realistic. (That did not last long!) I was trying to "positive think" my way to the goal, but in reality . . . it is not the right time for me. My focus (physically) right now is on being prepared for the Trek (which will take some major preparation, too!) I will keep running, and I need to start doing a lot of super long-walking. (Walking IS different than running!) And I MAY, possibly, perhaps, potentially, do a half-marathon. (I KNOW I can run 13.5!) We shall see . . . I will not fret about it.

As soon as I made the decision not to run the marathon I felt a sweet relief. I was praying to know what to do (if I am just a wimp and should buck-up, or if it is truly not a good thing right now). I KNEW that scratching the marathon was the right choice. My anxiety melted away . . . I felt I had in front of me a plate full of things I CAN handle -- rather than a piled-high plate that was just too much!

I prayed about my situation and the answer I received was: NO! Slow down girlie. Pace yourself. The last time I tried to do too much I weakened my immune system, I got mono, and was sick for a LONG time. (This was 11 years ago.) I am not interested in finding out what would happen now! In a blessing I had awhile ago, I was told I should be free from fear and worry . . . but I realized I am RESPONSIBLE for doing MY PART to decrease my own fear and worry! And THEN I will be at peace!

The answer to my prayer: Book of Mormon. Mosiah Chapter 4:27

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Peace Be Still, Mari.

I know, though I hate to admit it . . . I have limits. Darn it. But I need to listen to the feelings in my heart. I need to listen to the promptings of the Spirit. I had to determine what was good, better, and best for me right now. In wisdom and in order.

26.2 miles . . . you are now on my bucket list. For now, I must have peace.

Are you feeling stress and anxiety?

Perhaps there is something YOU can eliminate? So you, too, can feel a greater sense of peace.