Fear

My mind has been playing tricks on me today. I have had moments of great fear come over me, and doubt. I have been brought low, even weakened. And not just about giving birth in a few days, but everything. Millions of things. A bazillion things.

Sometimes if I stop and think about all the things that I (we) need to do, and the things that need to be done -- I can get totally overwhelmed. (I will spare you the extensive details.) Especially now, I feel weak, as I waddle around just trying to breath. Fear is my biggest set-back, my biggest weakness. It can cause me to panic and worry. It was there in full-force today. It descended upon me like a cloud of darkness settling down on my fragile mind. I was not ready for it. It was a storm that appeared out of the blue sky. I was fine, just yesterday. Just fine. 

Not enjoying my frenzied mind, I decided to open the scriptures. I began to read, search, dig. Just reading the words of God calmed my troubled soul. It is amazing how that works. My storm clouds began to disperse. My vision became a little clearer again. I began to have hope. How does that happen? It is a miracle. I love it.

I also began looking over my blog -- over the years that have gone by. I love my blog. I am so grateful for it. I wanted to give it a big hug today. There are so many memories and images recorded here. They reminded me of what we have been through, what we have overcome, and the good times we have had. It was so soothing for me to look back today. My fear began to melt away as I realized we have handled crazy things before and we can (and will) handle the things to come, too.

While looking back over the years, I came across this video of a song I wrote, when Charles became self-employed, a few years ago. We changed everything in our lives then, too. I can remember feeling terrified. I was so afraid of the unknown. But it all worked-out. Despite our fears and concerns we knew it was the right thing to do. We knew it would not be easy -- but it has been my experience that the right thing to do is rarely (if ever) easy. You do it because it is right. You search, ponder, pray, and KNOW it is right -- and then you let the consequences follow. It often takes great leaps of faith.

I need to stop being scared. I need to have faith, nothing doubting. NOTHING DOUBTING. Why do I let myself doubt? Why? Why? I need to stop it!

Things will work out. All of the chaos that is life right now will settle (someday). All of the things that need to work out -- will. And in a few years, I will look back over this blog post and smile . . . realizing there was nothing to worry about. No reason to be afraid. No reason to doubt.

Have a little courage, Mari. It will be alright!