Crying

Yesterday was a crying day. Water was freely seeping from my eyes, and my tears burned. I am not a big crier . . . not unless I am touched by music, or I feel the spirit, or I see powerful imagery. But to just cry about life? I just don't do that. Well, I just don't normally do that, but yesterday -- I did. The tears were like liquid fire pouring down my checks. I don't recall my tears ever being so hot?

I even cried in front of my children -- I could not help it. I tried to hide the water-works, but I know Daniel could see my cloudy eyes. I am sure he wondered what was wrong with his mom. I tried to explain I was just not feeling well. But that was not the complete story . . .

Life felt (and feels) heavy. Lately, I have started to really consider all of the choices to be made in the near future, and all of the decision-making that is about to land on my lap -- decisions begging for answers and solutions, that I just don't have, and I can't seem to figure out. I got nothing. No answers. And I hate that. I want to solve the puzzle.

There are some big choices to be made: What to do with our 2 bedroom, 1 bath house that has lost $50,000 in value? How to house my parents when they return from their mission in 6 months? What to do about a bigger vehicle for our growing family? What to do about the baby that will be born in a few months, with possible complications? What to do about our astronomical student loans? What to make for dinner? The list goes on and on . . . I will not bore you with details. The details just make me dizzy anyway.

Anyhow, I was spent. My mind had finally lost the battle that was raging inside (as I was trying to come up with answers to everything), I lost it and the tears began to flow freely and fairly violently. Again, not typical for me. I am strong. I am in control. I can handle anything. Right?

Sometimes it seems, that all of the decisions we have made have not seemed to work out for the best. At the time, the decisions seemed right, they felt good, we were "confident" in our choices -- hoping all would work out for the best in the future. (For example, buying our house 4 years ago.) To some degree, we have been a victim of the horrific economy, but I will also take responsibility for our own actions and choices. You make your bed and you sleep in it, right?

We have been frugal, for the most part . . . driving 20 year-old cars, and living in tight quarters together as a family, and keeping a tight budget. We are not extravagant in our spending -- though every once and awhile we will buy (or do) a nicety or two, after saving for it. We are not a family that needs "things" to be happy. We learned long ago things will never make us happy.

And now . . . we have before us challenges (mostly financial) to overcome. They may seem laughable to some, but to us, they are very real, and can be very intense (depending on my level of composer). As time and deadlines draw nearer, the intensity grows stronger. My desire to come up with solutions is forefront in my mind -- while awake and while dreaming. My mind swirls with ideas, but NEVER do I have a concrete answer for what to do. It is frustrating. The only answer I have right now: WAIT.

I believe in the near future we will see miracles -- I am not asking for them, but I am hoping for them. I feel like there is nothing we can do to change things right now, no obvious answers to our questions. Something else must be out there . . . another way, another path, perhaps something we have never even considered. Something unknown, and unseen.

Until I know which way to place our feet on the path, I will continue listening, hoping, praying, even crying -- and maybe we just might figure out which way we should go.

Ahhhh . . . waiting. One of the hardest answers of them all: JUST WAIT.