Thanksgiving Thoughts . . .

Year one of law school . . . no food stamps. :-) 

Year two of law school . . . food stamps. :-) 
I can't believe I did not even take out my camera yesterday! We had a great Thanksgiving, calm, quiet, but fun! We went for a run together (with the two strollers) in the morning (Sammi, Daniel and William ran for awhile, too -- Daniel lasting the longest), we prepared the food (Charles doing the bulk of it), we had our yummy dinner,  then watched  part of a movie, and then we played games. It was a simple, but sweet day. 

I did it a little differently this year . . . I began my Thanksgiving with a fast (2 meals starting the night before). I wanted to experience a little more of gratitude and a little less of gluttony. :-) I don't think that fasting works like wishes (tell and it won't come true) so, I would like to express why I was fasting . . . 

Sometimes, I find myself envious, jealous, and even (I hate to admit), prideful.  If I were to blame it on being "human" it may be partly true, but I know that I am so much more than that. My pride does not stem from dissatisfaction with my own life, or my own "things", or my understanding of the universe. I am so grateful for what I have, I truly am. And I understand my place in the world, too. But I seem to be stuck in a state of what I call "poor man's pride". . . . As I look up from the bottom level of the ship, just grateful to be riding on the boat, I wonder . . . how did those people get to be up on first-class? Why do they deserve to be there? What choices have they made to be the "upper-crust"? What is the difference between those on bottom deck, and the lofty level 1? . . .  

Sure, we may hold the same title (attorney) as those who dwell "upward" but that means little when the checkbook is balanced, and spaghetti is on the menu, again. Sometimes, I must admit, we (Charles and I) wonder . . . why did we ever venture off to law school in the first place? Why were we driven to pursue such an unnatural course (for us). Why did we do everything "the hard way" for example: getting married young, going to school, having babies while in school and complete poverty, choosing math (Charles weakest subject) instead of choosing an easy major, moving away from family and familiarity -- for law school and torture. Why did we do all these things? Good question. 

No, no, there is a reason . . . inspiration. At least, at the time that we made all of our crucial decisions, we did (and have always done so) with great prayer, fasting, and struggle -- not ease and a golden trail paved before us, to show us the certain way. Our decisions (especially if they seemed right) seemed to call out for "hell's bells" to ring -- to try and stop us. Sometimes it was the simple things, like mere distraction, that would try to throw us off. But more often than not, it would be money, poverty, and dealing with the realities of existing (somehow) on nothing, that would make us question our previous "inspired" decisions. How could our decisions be right, when things seemed to be going (at least financially) wrong?

Then the pioneer stories come to mind . . . most (if not all) of which were filled with toil, trials, pain, loss, sacrifice, and often death. Yet, the course they were on (to Zion) was the most "correct" course anyone could be on . . . you would think they would have traveled there on a cloud, a golden chariot, instantly "beamed" there, or something. If what they were doing was "right" then it should have been "easy", right? Obviously, that is not the way things work in life. Though sometimes things do work out "perfect" and smoothly, more often then not, some trial is bound to try and test you -- if you are on the right track. We don't do things because they are easy, we do them because they are right! The Savior's life is the perfect example of a (THE) correct course, being fraught with Ultimate trial.

So, where am I going with this? Good question! It is something I have been considering a lot, lately. As it stands now, our 5 person family lives in a 2 bedroom home, with 1 bathroom (and though in a good location, has lost value in the last year). We have a 5 passenger car sporting the year 1995. We have more student loan debt for law school -- then we owe on our house. We make JUST enough money to survive on one income (I will not return to work until ALL of the children are out from under my care). We make it, we survive -- barely. (If you are wondering about Disneyland -- my parents are VERY generous). 

Anyhow, our situation, to some (myself included) may seem bleak, sometimes. (Just considering pure numbers.) The hope for a better future seems a bit diminished by the shroud of darkness covering the country. Hope has been what we survived on these last many years of our lives. (Like, we hoped that going to law school would make our lives more comfortable -- the whole reason we went in the first place.) We have relied upon hope when forces seemed unbearably against us. There were moments along the way when we felt like Frodo at the top of Mt. Doom . . . when he was so close to finishing his journey, but he was overcome by his task, his heavy burden, and he felt he could go no further. His hope seemed to be lost. (I am speaking of our law school experience). Luckily, for us though, we had hope from an unearthly Source. An infinite Source. The Source of ALL hope. We did make it through, despite all our fears. Our hope carried us through, it still does, and always will. 

I also, sometimes, forget that we are not like others who may not have struggled so much on their journey (when I say "so much" that is not to diminish the trials of others, which I am sure were great, too) . . . but our journey is different . . . we are changing our stars. It is not an easy thing to do. Charles did not have the advantages that so many of his peers had. He pushed forward despite all odds against him. (I am not going to go in-depth, but his childhood/youth was far from "ideal" or even pleasant -- to say the least). When I say overcome, I mean overcome! He still astonishes me to this day. He has come so far, so very far. I am so grateful that I hitched my wagon to his star! I would not miss watching him "shine" for anything. 

I am going on and on (I tend to do that) . . . so back to the beginning. I struggle . . . I struggle with watching so many people suffer, when so many others have such ease. When the Titanic sunk, they first loaded those on the upper-decks into the lifeboats, while those down below were forced to wait "their turn". The result of waiting their turn . . . a frozen grave. It has always been thus. The wealthy thrive, while the poor die. It has always been hard for me to understand the injustice of this mortal world; The division of classes, the haughtiness of silver-spoon people, the better-than-you concept, the utter, despicable, pride. It haunts my thoughts, these troublesome things, even daily. 

There will, however, come a day when the division of classes, will be no more. When our "worth" will not be judged by our pocketbooks, but by our faith, actions, and our hearts. When our hearts will no longer be grasping for the ashes of worldly treasures; rather, they will long for the "treasures" which will burn with eternal glory, forever. . . 

I live in a small house, but it is filled (literally) with those whom I love and who love me. My bank account is half-empty, but my heart is full. My car is a lemon, but I continuously squeeze lemon-aide out of it. Our school debt is tremendous, but our debt to the Savior is eternal. Charles has a good job, when many others are out of work. Just a few reasons to be grateful! 

I have the gospel of Jesus Christ to light my life and my way. I know who I am. I cannot describe in words the gratitude I feel in my heart -- the screen would burst into flames. I know that no amount of "things" will ever make one happy. (There is proof enough of that all over the news.) I know that if you are not happy with what you have right now -- you will never be happy -- no amount of more, will ever fill your desire.  I am full. I am happy. I am overwhelmed. I have everything in the world that I could ever desire. Everything else . . . just details. 

I was fasting to have a greater sense of gratitude in my life, for my life. I also added a line about letting me teach myself, rather than having it "thrust" upon me, through some tragedy, etc. (I made that mistake once (not being specific) when I asked to "be humbled" -- not a good idea!) I always express my gratitude in my prayers, always.  But I would like to take it to the next level, and feel gratitude more deeply.  That is my hope, my wish, for this holiday season . . . 

To feel, deeply, grateful . . . And I do!